The Storm Rolling In

Running inside to prepare for a snow storm (South Tahoe Lake, 2025)

Have you ever had those people in life where it just seems like you always do something you normally wouldn’t do if they hadn’t rolled in? One of my friends, Brian is like that. He can call me up and even if it’s a “no, not this time” as it often unfortunately is, I’ll be wishing for days, even months, I had pulled the plug and committed. Next time, for sure, next time I’m in! But this isn’t about people like Brian. 

This is about those other people. 

You know the ones. Who, even after a 15-min phone call, you feel, and often do, end up getting stoned, eating junk food, and binging shows immediately after you hang up with them. Alone. In your bed. You didn’t plan on that as your evening.  In fact, maybe you had a really good day earlier. And by you, I mean me. Because as I was laying there stoned with chocolate dripping from my mouth, crumbs on my sweater in bed, all I could think of was ‘man, what happened? I was having such a good day.’ 

And the thing is, I find myself not just exhausted the next day but even three, four,… a week later. The thing is, I really care about this person. You and me, we wouldn’t pick up the phone if we didn’t. 

Honestly? I’ve been struggling with the classic self-help go-to of ‘set boundaries’ and ‘don’t engage in conversations when they roll by’ advice that every therapist and self-help book parrots. Coming from an Asian background, it sounds like your classic western idealism preaching selfishness pulling us away from friends and family members. I went through 6 different therapists telling me to distance myself from my family before the 7th one called a 5150 suicide alert on me. 

Some people—and I don’t mean forever—but some people are really unhealthy for us. And I have an addiction. I have both a love and an addiction to solving problems. I tell myself I care. I help people. I solve problems. That’s the person I want to be. That’s the type of person I am. So I never really understood that boundaries and distance advice. In fact, to me, it feels incredibly selfish and uncomfortable. 

But… I think I’m finally understanding. I’m starting to realize they aren’t interested in solutions or changing. In fact, they don’t want to hear your opinion at all. Even when they do ask. It seems like instead of listening, they double down with more reassurance after the conversation. I can work myself into a frenzy trying to think of how to make my words more palatable and when that doesn’t work, spend 3 more days thinking of how could have presented it. Preparing for hypothetical discussions I may or may not even have. Sometimes they circle back and everything is peachy—I was focusing on old news! And other times, it’s a fuck you, you’re ruining the good thing they’ve got going. 

And so, I find myself stoned. Too exhausted for other people. Not having the energy to work on what I wanted to… even sacrificing sleep to stay up to listen to them when they call crying. 

That’s my addiction. 

And I put everything aside for them. I don’t create space for other people who want to collaborate together. People who energize me. Instead, I talk to other people about them constantly. I use them to block my own pursuits. I may tell myself I’m being selfless, I’m being caring, but helping other people gives me value. I’ve been through a lot and if I didn’t help other people… what was that all for? A classic—how people turn tragedy into meaning. 

This addiction has multiple roots. The mapping out of logic flows. The thrill of being right. A thrill that oozes and seeps into personal relationships when not contained in work or on scrap piece of paper. I wish it was just that. But no, it’s also me telling myself, I must be worthy in order to be loved. My brain—my problem solving—eased conflict resolution at home. My brain participated in hours staring at equations so I could provide for my parents in their old age. A little less than half of my first paycheck after college went directly to my parents—who did not need it but ‘it was the respectful thing to do’. My own self-sacrifice to be worthy of love. For a love that was contingent on so many teeny, tiny things. 

I’ve come to realize by loving myself, I now understand my time isn’t being valued. I’m harming myself. I resort to doing things afterwards that don’t make me feel good later. Things that aren’t healthy for me. For the record, I’m talking about unintentionally getting stones and the junk food hahaha. ‘Unintentional’ is the key word here. 

I believe like everything else, we must determine what we want our relationships to look like. Not just with the people in our lives but with substances and foods and everything else. Everything is surrounded by layers of context. A greasy pie, a bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos, a can of coke, and getting stoned with friends while playing board games? Giggling about pervy gnomes and unicorns because why not? What a terrific night! A mild buzz with lit incense, soundscapes, while practicing yoga? Maybe that’s a spiritual relationship. But laying stoned, alone in bed, finishing a bag of Takis and chocolate while binging Bridgerton? Maybe, just maybe, it’s worth reevaluating the parameters of your relationship. And maybe that’s how you just like to spend your Friday nights? Have at it. But maybe it’s something else. And sometimes we have to ask ourselves hard questions.

Truth is, I don’t know what these sorts of relationships with people look like with parameters. Maybe it’s shorter conversations. Maybe it’s steered conversations with safe topics. It’s difficult because we’re at a point where we’re so siloed, in our own echo chambers, surrounding ourselves with only people who agree with us when a key to maintaining a healthy brain is engaging in healthy discourse and discussion. It stimulates cognitive function and strengthens neural networks. It keeps the brain flexible and improves memory, attention, and processing speed. So how do you bridge such an important gap? 

I don’t know. 

But what I do know? 

It’s important to put our own oxygen masks on first.

So if anyone has any recommendations on books or videos about Boundaries, feel free to link me down below!