“No one can say my dad isn’t profoundly devoted to my mother.”
I know a shadow,
a young soul looking for purpose.
I know a shadow,
Who holds a quiet ache.
I know a shadow,
Hiding behind devotion.
I know a shadow,
Who was desperate for love.
I know a shadow,
Who saw a mask,
Reflecting something a lot like love.
I know a shadow,
Selected for predictability.
I know a shadow,
Manageable,
Unlikely to challenge.
I know a shadow,
Entwined in another’s unbending will.
I know a shadow,
A life-long role,
Cast by another.
I know the fragments,
Silences,
Swallowed.
A head hung in shame
As bright sparks dimmed.
I know a shadow,
Whose softness—
was mistaken for weakness.
I know a shadow,
Whose sacrifice—
Invisible.
The shadow beams with pride—
Proudly devoted,
Loving,
Dutiful.
I know a shadow,
Who hid behind debt,
Duty draped in hope,
Naming it love.
I know a shadow
who has mistaken devotion to someone
For devotion to truth.
I know a shadow,
Who flickers
In forgetfulness.
Whose inner landscape—
Forgotten.
I know a shadow,
Whose act of love,
They never gave to themselves.
To wonder,
Who they were
beyond their lover.
And this shadow—I knew him well.
My father was a man shaped by a single relationship.
One that began when he was young,
Inexperienced,
Looking for purpose.
They met at 19.
My dad had never dated before.
He had never been interested in anyone else.
“She’s the smartest woman I know.”
My mom tells it with that cheerleader, popular girl, pride.
Her friends and her were in the library studying maths
She saw him and beckoned him over—
because “he looked smart”.
She didn’t even know he was in her class.
Later, he asked her out to Fourth of July,
“My mom was wondering…
if you wanted to see the fireworks.”
My dad looks exactly like how you’d imagine—
tall, lanky, with glasses.
Mom says to me proudly,
“I knew then this was the type of guy who wouldn’t try a thing!”
When they married,
she had him agree, if they divorced,
everything would go to her.
She did everything to make him successful—
Chastised him for not being more confrontational,
Pushed him toward promotions,
Calling him weak. A coward.
Less than a man.
His family tried to convince him to divorce her.
But he says he owes her everything
because she made it possible to go back to school.
They saw a prison—
He saw a debt repaid.
He no longer talked to his mom.
Or his dad.
Or his sister.
Or his brother.
And in time,
Not to his daughter.
Not to his son.
Not to anyone.
He only had her.
He is remarkably proud
she is the only woman
he has ever been with.