Self Portrait September 20,2026
So… figuring things out after years, decades, of neglect is really fucking difficult.
Time and time again, we hear healing is nonlinear and god damn is that true.
Whenever I feel like maybe I’ve gotten to a place where things feel better, more flow, more confidence… something pops up and suddenly it’s like, how did I not see this gigantic gapping hole?
How do I manage just being?
Especially when all I really want to do is spend every waking minute in the forests and mountains.
But that trade off… profound loneliness is something that eats away at me sometimes even when talking and hugging trees.
I finally got diagnosed with ADHD and my apartment, for the first time ever, is clean… well as clean as it’s ever going to get with my projects.
I finally got through some commissions I had been putting off for ages and in the past 2 weeks, I got 4 pages of illustrations done for my book.
Started noticing more body sensations and signals even when not practicing yoga or meditating.
But then the cracks started to appear again.
Racing thoughts. Before, a hum of noises and now everything is going too quickly and my stomach feels nauseous and I’m throwing up again and my back is screaming every time I’m sitting for even 10 minutes and I have no idea what to do. Do I take it easy and rest? Do I exercise and walk more? Always.
Food on these meds are just unappealing. I’ll cook, sit down, take a few bites and immediately wander off. Now I know what my previous partners felt…
Pair that with vomiting spells and you get one hell of a crash.
My problem, and it’s served me very well when I was younger, is I don’t have an off button.
I don’t have an off button for sleep.
I don’t have an off button for anything I’m doing.
If I’m doing a special project, even better has a rapidly approaching deadline,
I’m the goddamn energizer bunny.
It may switch to the next task and I’ll get super into the next task and the next one.
Or I’ll hyperfocus on someone else’s problem which leaves me emotionally drained and a recluse for months.
It’s my problem.
Fixating on problems.
I don’t have an off button until I crash and do a full system reboot and it’s this continuous pattern that I’m super aware of but don’t know how to handle in society.
Every part of me screams “I belong in the forest and mountains! Why the fuck do I have to do this shit that I don’t even value?” Why do I keep getting caught up on my stupid phone looking at dumb shit or the tv when I know that I fall into the pattern of binging and wondering why I can’t do the things I actually care about.
Because what I actually care about, is making beautiful tactile things that bring joy to others. Things you can feel. Knowing love, care, and attention was put into it.
I care about plants and making sure those around me are safe. I care about getting to the next check point, next crossing—together.
I value knowing the thought and effort.
Anyways, before the meds, going out was super exhausting having to pay intense conversation on whatever was happening and now with the meds, all the thoughts are going by too fast and I feel like I’m talking a lot more but then I just suddenly get lost… on top of learning a new language which my brain can’t seem to just pick a language or structure.
Anyways, taking a break from the meds for a couple weeks as recommended by the doc to see what exactly is causing my vomiting episodes this time around.
And I know this is just another thing… which honestly feels more of another thing that will make me more ‘efficient for society’ because when thru-hiking, oh man, sometimes it feels pretty glorious only thinking about water, food, and shelter. I don’t wake up in the middle of the night, head racing about projects, humanity, and a deep sadness when in a movie theater watching Wildwood, looking over at the teen who has pulled out his phone due to an addiction that I was too blinded and neglected… young to see. Breathtaking film by the way. Go watch it. Actually pay for it. 6 years of development and it moves me to tears.
Separately, another question keeping me up at night is this: what do we become once healed?
What are we healing towards?
I have a version of myself I remember as a kid that I would love to awaken again…
But my mom used to say to me how she loved her little sheep and that she was a tiger. (Referencing Chinese zodiac)
She was furious when I found out I was actually right at the cutoff and was a horse.
But a healed tiger… is still a tiger.
A healed wolf is still a wolf.
And I know I am not a wolf… or a tiger…
For they have been gnawing on my limbs, a paw on my throat, for far too long.
And now free, I’m discovering the work it takes to rehabilitate a body who has forgotten how to prance…
The only way to do that rehabilitation, that work, is by moving.
By living.
I’m discovering the greatest joy is just being in my body.
But it doesn’t wake up, stretch, grow, all at once.
I love myself, I’m learning how to love myself, learning how to be kind to myself…
But damn, I’m impatient.
I’m impatient and even though I know my breathing exercises will help me ten fold the next week,
Doing something that feels too good still feels fucking uncomfortable.
Remember kids, uncomfortable doesn’t mean bad and comfortable doesn’t mean good.
** Water has memory. You ever wonder if molecules remember what they used to be apart of? Like maybe enough rabbit molecules made it into a person and now they remember being a rabbit? And maybe that’s why we have such vivid imaginations because some part of us remembers another life? Or even lives?
Fun note, my imagination is returning and I can now see things again when I close my eyes. Depression is a bitch and it went away… couldn’t even bring up a mental image of an apple. I could draw an apple, a very realistic apple, but I needed something like the white of a paper and a line to ground it. Now, I close my eyes and I can see and smell the forests and sunsets. I can’t wait to see the fae and the satyrs again.
** I’m soooo fucking close to being able to hold a handstand!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!