What If I lost My Keys So I Could Write This Today

Finished Gibraltar Monkey Painting (Ahza Rex, May 2026)

I wrote a journal entry almost two years ago as I was wrapping up my adventures in Cape Disappointment, Washington, preparing to head back to San Francisco and lately, been feeling the need to revisit it. This year has been physically more demanding that I imagined it would be. I’ve been sick nearly every month and last week, ended up staying in the Hospiten for complications treating strep throat. I’m feeling a lot better now and yesterday, I managed to finish a painting that was hanging over my head for an entire year. An entire year waking up to my fridge, in bold sharpie, a post-it “FINISH MONKEY!!!”

I had started the painting last year and worked out the flow using a digital overlay but then, before I was ready, someone saw the digital version and made an offer. Not on a print but on the original. The incomplete piece. I tired to sit down to finish it but every time I sat down, it grew in enormity. “I’m looking to see the same popping, vivid colors as in the digital version.” Fear took hold. What if I can’t get the colors and shapes just right? What if I can’t meet expectations? What if all this reinforces dreams are (still) for other people? And not me.

But this year, I’ve been practicing being kind to myself. Every morning, I end my journal with half a page of compliments to myself.

And yesterday, I finished.

Journal Entry 10/21/2024

Ran around Cape Disappointment with Pippin. Danced. Saw a bald eagle. Lost car keys in the woods. Car is safe. Today has been a pretty damn great day. My journey is about to come to a close. I’m extremely happy, blessed, accomplished—all the things because I gave myself this opportunity. I feel like I really solidly invested in myself and the experiences I wanted. It’s made me feel strong and resilient. Closer to myself. Better in tune with my body and my thoughts. I feel capable. I feel solid. 

I feel like my mind has been out of commission for a long time. Dormant with my body but now waking up. Dreaming about things, such wonderfully beautiful things. Embracing Dream. Feeling warmth wash over me. 

My mind feels awake. Wanting to be competitive. Wanting challenges. To say, “yes, I can.” I can almost grasp those shapes and experiences again. A haze. The feel of salty sand beneath your toes, digging in to feel a tingle rush up your body. Of possibility. 

At some point, I’ve been too afraid to let myself imagine. Too afraid to imagine wonderful things—bursts of color, spectacular delights. Too afraid to imagine good things happening. 

What if? What if I imagined good things happening? What would that look like? What would that feel like? What would I hear? At some point, fear took over my life. Fear of failure. Fear of missed opportunities. Fear of judgement. My brain imagining the worst outcomes. I must be ready for the worst. 

But what’s wrong with imagining things working out? Maybe it’s ok I didn’t get the 1st, 3rd, 9th job because those experiences prepared me for something amazing later on. 

What if I interviewed at a company and it ends up going so well, they double my last salary? What if a painting or a product takes off and I’m able to open my own line of decor, clothing, playful accessories? What if I write a book about my travels with crazy illustrations and it becomes a best seller and I’m able to travel the world with Pippin on adventures and document and publish graphic novels, photos, art, and blog? What if it goes so well, it get’s turned into a movie and I’m able to direct it into an animated film and have creative direction of the character design? 

What if it takes off and I’m able to have a team around me experimenting, making animatronics, and directing production? What if it goes so well, I could take the afternoon a few times a month to create miniature sets and stop-motion puppets? What if my knowledge of robotics lends itself into creating these animatronics? What if? What if I was able to travel around the world and discover stories and record it all? Their faces, mannerisms, hopes, dreams… What if I fell in love with a friend along the way? 

What if I lost my car keys so I could write this today? 

Anything is possible.